On the Lighter Side By Will McClatchy October 9, 2001

"There are three kinds of people in the world. Those who can count and those who can't!." - J.R. Dicks

I thought it was time to lighten things up a bit with a few silly financial jokes:

Financial Advice in Tough Times

The financial advisor welcomed his new client into the office and offered him a seat at the conference table. He immediately went to the fridge, took out two cans of beer and offered one to the investor.

"Isn't it a little early in the morning to start drinking?", said the investor with a worried look. "I came here to get advice in a very turbulent market."

The advisor smiled and calmly replied:

"If you had bought $1,000 worth of Nortel stock one year ago, it would be worth $74 today. If you bought $1,000 worth of Budweiser beer a year ago, drank all the beer, and traded in the cans for the nickel deposit, you would have $75. My advice to you is to start drinking and remember to recycle. "

The Cold Call

A stockbroker was cold-calling when he reached a rare individual who was polite and willing talk. After giving his pitch on speculative penny stocks, the stockbroker asked if the investor would like high returns on his investments.

"With your picks I wouldn't be that concerned about high returns on my money," the investor said.

"That's nice to hear," said the stockbroker. "You mean you are willing to sign up with me?"

"Not on your life," said the investor. "You see, with your picks it's not the return on my money that concerns me, it's the return OF my money!"

Bill Gates (From the Toronto Globe and Mail)

Bill Gates was overheard telling his broker: "You spent my $150 million on WHAT?!? I said SNAPPLE!!!"

The Dummy

When Albert Einstein died, he met three guys in the queue outside the Pearly Gates. To pass the time, he asked what were their IQs. The first replied 150. "Wonderful," exclaimed Einstein. "We can discuss the contribution made by Ernest Rutherford to atomic physics and my theory of general relativity". The second answered 120. "Good," said Einstein. "I look forward to discussing the role of New Zealand's nuclear-free legislation in the quest for world peace". The third guy mumbled 50. Einstein paused, and then asked, "So what is your forecast for the Dow?"

The Minister and The Stockbroker

A minister dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy who's dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans.
Saint Peter addresses this guy, "Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?"

The guy replies, "I'm Joe Cohen, stockbroker, of Noo Yawk City."
Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the stockbroker, "Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven."
The stockbroker goes into Heaven with his robe and staff, and it's the minister's turn. He stands erect and booms out, "I am Joseph Snow, pastor of Saint Mary's for the last forty-three years."

Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the minister, "Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven."

"Just a minute," says the minister. "That man was a stockbroker-- he gets a silken robe and golden staff but I, a minister, only get a cotton robe and wooden staff? How can this be?"

"Up here, we work by results," says Saint Peter. "While you preached, people slept; while he put his clients into risky investments, they prayed."

A letter from a Son in School to his Father

Dear Dad,
$chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard.
With all my $tuff, I $imply can't think of anything I need, $o if you would
like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you.
Love,
Your $on.

The Reply:
Dear Son,
I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh.
Love,
Dad